Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Tired and terrified and oh so suddenly!

I am sure to regret this post later, but I am going to be courageous here and put it out there. At this moment, even that strikes me as a paradox. Perhaps real courage is just to let the emotion pass, and not getting all in a huff about it. But I have done the ignoring thing for about 6 hours now and I still feel nervous.

So, here was Hicham's reasoning tonight as I told him how alone I have been feeling lately... how disconnected from humanity. It was like this when I first got back from being abroad in 2000- I felt invisible. small. pointless. unfocused. flittery.

Big transitions can make a person crazy - really damn crazy. I now know why I personally have come into the blog world. I know we each have our own reasons and they likely overlap at times, but this time, it is because I need a witness to watch this big thing. Today, I am feeling fear for the first time in a very, very long time. It is true, ask anyone, I usually am without much fear.

So in response to my tears, tonight Hicham said, well Nicole you have a history of having a good life. Why should it change now? And that is true, I have been so blessed and have been lucky. Hicham believes that because it was consistently good for me here in Durham (and before) that logic would conclude it will be abroad as well.

The truth is though, while I had generally truly breathtaking, exhilarating and life-affirming experiences in all the corners of our Great Earth... I also experienced some of the most painful, difficult and just plain wrong encounters too.

Nothing can compare to the consistent peace I have felt in lil old Durham... so far anyway. Even while I lived here, I did cool things, Rainbow Gatherings, trips abroad, furthered my education, started a business, and participated in my community on a regular basis. Life has been so good here and today, for whatever reason, I am so afraid of what is next.

1 comment:

Tammy said...

Darlin -- leaving behind a cocoon of joyfulness and peace in order to fly away into some vast unknown IS scary. I can only imagine that every single butterfly, forced upward by the fate of having wings, feels that way -- even when, like you, flying is in their very nature.

Hicham sounds lovely, by the way. Imagine how blissful it will be to get to wake up next to him every morning and build your new Spanish kitchen together. :-)

Fly on, butterfly...