Thursday, February 7, 2008
I am writing with great hopes that the last down-turn of emotional events has subsided for a good long minute. It is true, I am sensitive. Anyone who knows me even a little could figure that out. Spicy food, loud sounds, bright lights, being cold... that is the physical aspect of it. But the same applies to being ignored, being yelled at, bad customer service, seeing injustice, etc. just puts me in a frenzy. Hicham always jokes that it is hard on my heart - he is right.
In other words, there are easy-going people out there, but I am not one of them. Even those admired 'go-with-the-flow' types have a shadow to face.
Throughout the years, I have attempted to change... but self-repression coupled with sensitivity is a vile combo. So, I gave it up, met the challenge of unconditional self love & acceptance and learned how to cope or respond to myself when panic /anxiety/the frenzy set in. Sure, it could have been done with Gin or Vokda I suppose. Surely that would dull the 'sensitivity' that gifts me with an intense relationship with everything. It certainly could have been done with meds...I have seen great things happen for people I care about who use them.
I have decided a third path (surely there are many paths).
I allow the frenzy, the anxiety and the depression to come and go at will. Indeed when my soul hurts, the tears flow easily and I hardly can connect with others... I am forced to go inward. There I have dwelled for the last three days. If anyone asked me how I was, my eyes would become moist but I knew there weren't enough words to explain it and of course, depression has no real friends who care. So, I would simply say that I was temporarily depressed and not to worry. I acquired pimples under my jaw-line and drank lots of green tea. I also spent extra time in my healing place: the forest. The leaves smelling up my nostrils so mildly, the bright sun dampened by the tree branches and the gentle sounds of the wind and birds - my Heaven/Earth.
It is there that my soul feels safe enough to emerge, to get attention, to be caressed by nature, to share a reciprocal love with Earth... our Mother... to be reminded of the divinity that I share with all of Earth's creations. For me, nature is my anti-depressant. The side effects are pink cheeks, strong leg muscles and muddy shoes.
It isn't immediate like a drunken night on the town, it isn't perpetual like prozac - but it does work in a timely enough fashion without the hang-over and it is available to me without high medical costs and dependency on a fucked-up medical 'system'...so, I am happy (for now)!
How does this relate to Madrid? I must have access to nature wherever I live. I am going there in six days for a 'seeking and finding' journey. Of top priority is to find natural places (there are many in Madrid btw), good dance clubs and vegetarian restaurants! Woo hoo! I, of course, will be posting some photos of my finds in those catagories (and more!)