Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tomorrow to Madrid!!!

Last night my friend Negar came over for soup and conversation. While I started out positive about everything, as the conversation blossomed, so did my reservations about the big move again (then the tears and a recap of dread and an affirmation of how perfect my life is). Negar is a good friend, she cried right along with me. I felt very listened to - authentically heard. In fact, just having another person agree that this move wasn't 'a big adventure, exciting or lucky' was a fresh of breath air.

For another example, say someone baked a cake and upon presenting it to the birthday girl, it fell on the floor... who would say,"Wow! Lucky you! Now you get to start over and make another delicious cake!" The baker would be mildly irritated to say the least.

It is as though people are responding to my moving away according to some formula. "Moving to Spain + Spain is fun = so your move must be fun too!" Then I am inclined to respond with at least a few minute explanation on what it means as I currently am interpreting it... which sounds like a drama queen who can't seem to be happy for herself. The conversation then ends with how great it will be. They are probably right, eventually it will be great. In the same way that a suddenly single person will eventually meet someone new. But to jump from one to another? - well maybe that is the right thing... maybe it is maybe it maybe

Surely, my blog must seem like a broken damn record.

In fact, I am leaving for Spain tomorrow. Hicham will have already arrived about an hour in advance of me and will wait in the airport for me. We will spend about 5 days there. He will go to interviews and I will meet Madrid face to face!

Surely, going there and experiencing Madrid will bring new songs to my broken damn record!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Three days

I am writing with great hopes that the last down-turn of emotional events has subsided for a good long minute. It is true, I am sensitive. Anyone who knows me even a little could figure that out. Spicy food, loud sounds, bright lights, being cold... that is the physical aspect of it. But the same applies to being ignored, being yelled at, bad customer service, seeing injustice, etc. just puts me in a frenzy. Hicham always jokes that it is hard on my heart - he is right.

In other words, there are easy-going people out there, but I am not one of them. Even those admired 'go-with-the-flow' types have a shadow to face.

Throughout the years, I have attempted to change... but self-repression coupled with sensitivity is a vile combo. So, I gave it up, met the challenge of unconditional self love & acceptance and learned how to cope or respond to myself when panic /anxiety/the frenzy set in. Sure, it could have been done with Gin or Vokda I suppose. Surely that would dull the 'sensitivity' that gifts me with an intense relationship with everything. It certainly could have been done with meds...I have seen great things happen for people I care about who use them.

I have decided a third path (surely there are many paths).

I allow the frenzy, the anxiety and the depression to come and go at will. Indeed when my soul hurts, the tears flow easily and I hardly can connect with others... I am forced to go inward. There I have dwelled for the last three days. If anyone asked me how I was, my eyes would become moist but I knew there weren't enough words to explain it and of course, depression has no real friends who care. So, I would simply say that I was temporarily depressed and not to worry. I acquired pimples under my jaw-line and drank lots of green tea. I also spent extra time in my healing place: the forest. The leaves smelling up my nostrils so mildly, the bright sun dampened by the tree branches and the gentle sounds of the wind and birds - my Heaven/Earth.

It is there that my soul feels safe enough to emerge, to get attention, to be caressed by nature, to share a reciprocal love with Earth... our Mother... to be reminded of the divinity that I share with all of Earth's creations. For me, nature is my anti-depressant. The side effects are pink cheeks, strong leg muscles and muddy shoes.

It isn't immediate like a drunken night on the town, it isn't perpetual like prozac - but it does work in a timely enough fashion without the hang-over and it is available to me without high medical costs and dependency on a fucked-up medical 'system'...so, I am happy (for now)!

How does this relate to Madrid? I must have access to nature wherever I live. I am going there in six days for a 'seeking and finding' journey. Of top priority is to find natural places (there are many in Madrid btw), good dance clubs and vegetarian restaurants! Woo hoo! I, of course, will be posting some photos of my finds in those catagories (and more!)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Tired and terrified and oh so suddenly!

I am sure to regret this post later, but I am going to be courageous here and put it out there. At this moment, even that strikes me as a paradox. Perhaps real courage is just to let the emotion pass, and not getting all in a huff about it. But I have done the ignoring thing for about 6 hours now and I still feel nervous.

So, here was Hicham's reasoning tonight as I told him how alone I have been feeling lately... how disconnected from humanity. It was like this when I first got back from being abroad in 2000- I felt invisible. small. pointless. unfocused. flittery.

Big transitions can make a person crazy - really damn crazy. I now know why I personally have come into the blog world. I know we each have our own reasons and they likely overlap at times, but this time, it is because I need a witness to watch this big thing. Today, I am feeling fear for the first time in a very, very long time. It is true, ask anyone, I usually am without much fear.

So in response to my tears, tonight Hicham said, well Nicole you have a history of having a good life. Why should it change now? And that is true, I have been so blessed and have been lucky. Hicham believes that because it was consistently good for me here in Durham (and before) that logic would conclude it will be abroad as well.

The truth is though, while I had generally truly breathtaking, exhilarating and life-affirming experiences in all the corners of our Great Earth... I also experienced some of the most painful, difficult and just plain wrong encounters too.

Nothing can compare to the consistent peace I have felt in lil old Durham... so far anyway. Even while I lived here, I did cool things, Rainbow Gatherings, trips abroad, furthered my education, started a business, and participated in my community on a regular basis. Life has been so good here and today, for whatever reason, I am so afraid of what is next.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Selling dreams

Today, I sold my sewing machine, carrying case, sewing basket, cutting board, sewing table, material and supplies for $125. Granted I got the sewing machine as a gift, found the table on the side of the road and I have no recollection of how the cutting board came to me...

The pathetic thing is, I never used any of it. 5 years I had it- along with visions of glorious dresses, unique jackets, flowey long pants and of course a multitude of curtains & pillows. I feel disappointment in myself.

When I sold all that stuff, I also sold a goal that I never met. I gave back to the universe (through a woman named juliann) that which I was wasting.

On the bright side, there is a space in my room which is empty... a symbolic corner and a reality reminder. The sewing machine is the first big thing I have let go of. I have a sneaking suspicion that after this major over haul down-size that my future endeavors and pursuits will be followed through with a bit more gusto.

In my current house, it is all a bit overwhelming (in a good way). I can paint, draw, sew, read, lay in a hammock, dance, cook, etc etc. So many creative outlets available and so rarely seized these days. I had to have a huge dancing space with mirrors... I had to have a lounge area for movies and deep discussions... it was dire that I have a stove with 2 big burners... I could go on and on.

Things, things, things... the sad thing is, is that I comforted myself with the loss of my sewing machine with these 6 words, "I can always get another one". Since I know that, have I really given it away?

Saturday, February 2, 2008

I have been delving into the polar opposites of my mind through movies. I watch Spanish movies and then I watch American movies. I saw 'Volver' followed by 'Medea's Family Reunion'.
Watching inspiring American movies and seeing our stunning landscape and my diverse people brings on easy, sentimental tears.

A perfect opportunity to showcase our culture in a positive light can be seen in the Indy documentary: 10 MPH. It is about some regular Americans who travel from Seattle to Boston and meet people along the way. What gives this typical scenario an interesting twist is that they can only go 10 MPH because they are doing it on a Segway (with a car/trailer behind). Through the breathtaking scenery they drive meeting regular Americans that are doing their thing with a dash of life-philosophy tossed in.

It is a remarkable film... I highly, highly recommend this homegrown movie to anyone who needs a remind of how great of a country we live in and for the cynics who can't see it themselves... (sometimes those are both me)

AND YOU CAN WATCH IT ONLINE FOR FREE! (Although, after watching it, you will want to buy the dvd for a present for someone you know who 'outta see a movie like that'.)Their website is: http://www.ourstage.com/go/10mph

Watch it on youtube (it takes a minute to start up, be patient):