I am BACK and my standards have lowered

Hi y'all.
So, they say it takes 21 days to start making a new habit into a way of life. I am going to challenge myself to blog EVERYDAY for the next 21 days. And yup, gonna make a statement of my intention to do so.

It isn't that I haven't been blogging because there isn't much to write, au contraire, there is so much going on that I am neglecting to make time for it. This is a shame because this is where I keep many of my memories.

As I have stated before, I am keeping my blog "public" but I ultimately write the blog for myself. I do so enjoy reading old posts and remembering that time or that phase or that joy or that frustration.

Leonora

So, my little baby girl just turned ONE and I think it was 2 entries ago, I was sharing her birth story. That is pathetic.

Okay, well, she just woke up from her nap. So, I gotta go now. But I am posting this now and no, it isn't necessarily interesting or even thought-provoking. If you are looking for that on a consistent basis, you might want to unsubscribe now cuz it's getting real up in here.  Yeah, I am bringing in the nitty-gritty daily grind kinda updates. And more complaining. And more pictures. And more opinions that could change within a day or 2.

I will be writing when I am tired, I will be writing when I don't feel like it and I will be writing (as I am now) with a baby breastfeeding.  


So - now you know. I am back. And my standards are lower, ha!

Judging others and why it doesn't matter

I was reflecting on how hard it was growing up in Minnesota and feeling like a full on freak most of the time. Of course, I was a freak. I wanted to be one and I wanted to express myself. I was colorful, original and a real target for judgement.

At first though it was hard to understand why people were STARING at me. Here is the thing though, the older I got and the more funky I got and the less I cared what others thought. I basically got used to it and then judged right back. "They are jealous" was my go-to defense. Minnesota, or at least any where outside of the Twin Cities is a vapid, conformist state and I shudder at the thought of ever living there again. Now, I am a bit less funky (on the outside) but still get really thrilled when I see someone really looking original (much harder to find in France).

But the point I am getting to, well 2 points really:

1. You can really, truly be a complete lone wolf as a stay at home mama. You can easily

interact only with your children all day and everyday if you want. Play groups, mom's get togethers, hell even chat rooms are completely optional. If you are lucky like me and your husband actually goes out for the groceries while you stay home with the children, you don't even have to see other shoppers. Most of my other purchases are online too. Of course, I do in fact see friends and people often currently, but this may change as we are looking at moving into the sticks. But this is entirely optional. If I didn't want to see other adults, I would not have to. To that end, diminished judgment.

It is an interesting contrast to my youth when I was forced to interact and mingle with people who thought mean thoughts about me because I was wearing 5 skirts, 3 shirts and combat boots. I really loved fashion and as usual I think in other circumstances, more supportive environment, I could have been the next big fashion designer. Well, my goal now is to actually PLUG my sewing machine in someday and whip up some cool and funky clothes for my girls. However, the impulse would be stronger if I lived in the States where most of the girls' clothes I saw were incredibly short, tight and sexualized. Here in France, girls still maintain their innocence. Until they are 15 when they all seem to stand on the sidewalk and smoke. But no judgment right? Wrong!

And that brings me to number 2:

Judgment.

Who cares about it?

It is funny as a stay at home mom, I get sucked into parenting articles, mom tips and mom rants online. As much as being a long wolf appeals to me, I also like to know there are other wolves in their dens howling at the nonsense occurring around them at any and all given moments when living with pups.

BUT then, there is the response of mom's who actually have opinions. Opinionated mama's are berated for being judgmental, for starting and perpetuating mom wars and basically acting like bad feminists. I would argue that it is through our so-called, “judging” of each other that we become more clear as to what is important to us.

There is a wonderful lil philosophy going around the internet at the moment. The first time I heard it, I felt my heart do a lil dance (thanks Joan Kelly as you posted it first several months ago on facebook). Of course it was originally said by the wonderful and wise Wayne Dyer:

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

This really opened me up in some new and exciting ways. In all honesty, it felt like I was given permission to judge. I doubt many would agree with that interpretation, but hear me out. When I saw this idiot woman wearing her stupid nearly full face veil in France, I judged her. But then, I pulled back a bit and said, no – my reaction to seeing this is not about her... at all. She doesn't care what I think about what she is wearing in the same way I didn't care at age 16. But my judgment of her is about my feelings of disgust when I see a woman feeling the need to cover herself for all the blah blah blah, religion religion religion, privacy, modesty, heaven, safety, who gives a crap. I think it is ridiculous and ????

And all those mamas out there, like me, who really do think breast is best and raise our eyebrows and ire at moms who choose to bottle feed. So what? We are judging, ooooh scary. We have ideas and criticisms about stuff. A bunch of moms were recently all bitchy about Giselle Bundchen's decision to pierce her daughter's ears. Who cares? Does Giselle? Highly doubt it. Other people might not like that I cut my girl's hair. I mean, there are religions who have rules about that. Does that matter one iota to me? Judge away. It helps clarify and define who ya are.

Judge that!

Oh and by the way: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/judgement-or-judgment/

And as a PSA, allow me to mention the horrific slaughterings of wolves currently happening in Minnesota.  There I go, judging again!

http://www.howlingforwolves.org/

Curiosities and Questions

As I was trying to title this post, I reread it and discovered that most of the topics - though unrelated- do indeed revolve around Curiosities and Questions.
 
Well Alright! Baby Leo is nearing up to the BIG 0-9 month mark and crawling like a little glow worm, 6 teeth to call her own, eats a variety of foods and has just about the most delicious laugh you will ever hear from a baby. I think she is typical in that she likes to explore, but it seems that she is the most curious baby ever born! With her concentrated brow-furrow as she tries to do... well anything, she is just the coolest baby.

Sabine is a bike riding (with training wheels) dare devil with more bizarre and unexpected things rolling off her tongue on a daily basis. I should like to start a regular entry called, "Sabine actually said that". For example, like most kids she is interested in her private parts. But she is also intrigued by the idea that we ALL have them. I had to endure her listing every single person she knew and ensuring that they too had a "ZEE-ZEE". Does XX'x mama have a zee-zee? Does Monsieur XX have a zee-zee? Does so and so and so and so and so and so have a zee-zee??????  The cool thing is that in France, boys and girls both have them. So, there isn't the issue of difference yet.

A very sad thing happened tonight. Sabine got a little black baby doll for her 3rd birthday last January. Her name is Louise. She was the favorite doll for months. Tonight when I noticed Louise was not in her spot near Sabine's head for bedtime, I mentioned it. She said she didn't like Louise anymore. I asked her why. She responded that she is dirty. I looked closely at Louise and said I didn't see any. She repeated it and she even said, she wanted to return her to the Monsieur at the store! I asked her where she was dirty, she said "all over". I didn't want to make a big deal about it, because she likes to see my reaction when she tells me she ate meat at the creche (which she does not do). So, I just took Louise out and asked her if she wanted to sleep with me then. Louise said okay. I told Hicham about this painful conversation and he suggested that we give Louise a bath tomorrow and pretend that she was a bit dirty and then afterwards she will be nice and clean - ready for a snuggle.

UPDATE: Oh, how the adult mind functions. So, Sabine was all excited to give Louise a bath this morning. She took a gigantic bubble bath, washed her up, toweled her off and got her dressed and said, "there mama, all clean!". In my defense, I am cognizant of the studies done with little kids describing various dolls and attributing traits to them ... anyway.


This is a big year for our family, this September Sabine will be starting school, but not going everyday as I have decided she will stay home one day per week with Leo and I (for many reasons). Why should other people get to spend the bulk of the best time with my kid? I wish I could do this her entire childhood, but she might not agree. "But, mom! I want to go to school everyday!". The drawback is that this will be on her RECORD, says the directrice. Too bad I don't give two shits, she is only THREE.

Leo will start going 2 mornings a week to Creche... what will I do with myself? Oh... I sure can't wait to find out either! I was thinking it would be to take French classes, but honestly, I doubt it. I will probably surf the web and lay around drinking smoothies.

Which brings me to my latest daily drama. I am a green smoothie freak show. For real. Sadly, I have gone through many blenders and repair and replacement parts and new blenders in the last year that today I finally had ENOUGH when I found that my blender just stopped working again today. This was not a shitty generic blender either. Doesn't matter, these blenders are not made for the craziness that happens in my kitchen. They can't handle what I give them.

So, we are going in. Making it happen. No hold back. Making the investment in my health. Etc, etc. blah blah blah, VITAMIX! If you don't know about this amazing tool, google it now! Now we just have to figure out the best way to get one in my kitchen: buy abroad ($500) and have it shipped and pay the taxes/fees/shipping ($200), have a friend ship it unboxed (anyone?) or just suck it up and pay the European price ($1000). Damn! It is expensive here (except wine and well, except wine only). I will keep you posted. See, questions abound!

Shiny red boat, just yes!

Beyond that, went to The Netherlands about 2 weeks ago. Hardly took any photos while in Amsterdam, but there were a few things I did manage to be impressed enough by to take out the camera.



Here are some of my favorite pictures of Amsterdam bikes:

I just adore the tiny seat in the front compared to the child seat in the back, seems impossibly small!

Wooden box to tote tots.

I found that metal holder incredibly intriguing, it is probably obvious to most what it is for, but it is just this kind of thing that makes my imagination soar. Wine, flours, umbrella, newspaper? The possibilities are rather endless! 

Not often one sees a 2 colored eye cat, next to a boat... in Amsterdam. Rather curious I would say.

Yes, I love Amsterdam. And am eager to go back and explore much more. I took more pics of the other places we visited on this 5 days excursion (tulips galore!). For the next entry ...

My baby is a baby.

Okay, so the most recent entry was OCT. 29th... which was written more than a month after the one before that.  It highlighted my disappointment in myself for not keeping up with my French (study or practice or even listening to French radio) and my desire to be more "efficient" with my time.

Well, yeah, that was my intention as I was basically under-slept, over-stressed with lil miss colic (that has long since passed, to the point where I cannot even remember she ever cried in agony for long bouts) and not really in-sync with my toddler.  That is putting it nicely, a hem.

drying laundry

I guess I thought that if I had more control over time, you know with calendars, plans, agendas and more orderly drawers and crock pot dinners that I would feel less anxious and overwhelmed.  Well, there was some truth to it and also some getting my priorities straightened out.

I know that this entry is so incredibly cliche... but I haven't ever written about it and so it is original to me.

I did get some new tools and resources to help bring some order to my mental space. I got a new smartphone - which I actually do use to keep me more organized. I got the huge Galaxy Note 2.  I basically read too much greedy greedy about apple to continue to want to support them, even though I use an imac. But I am really satisfied with my phone and the huge screen (and the pen super useful in the kitchen to scroll a recipe w/o touching the screen).

What I use daily to keep my head from spinning is basically Astrid and Digical. How I use them to help me with parenting is when I find an activity I want to do with Sabine online (and omg, there are so many, many, many amazing blogs/sites/ideas - infinite really) I attach the link or page with Astrid's super handy webclipper online and make it a task with a deadline and post it to my calendar so each day I spend with Sabine we already have at least one thing planned. Kudos & thanks to all those moms who share their brilliance with the world. As a side note, the ones I don't use immediately but want to in the future are stored in Springpad (another great webclipper/bookmarking tool for us visual people).

making a fort.

I have also signed up for this really cool play challenge and recommend anyone who has kids to do it as well. I wish I could say we have done them all each day as is the intention of taking on the challenge. Hell, I haven't even opened up all the emails - but that will be addressed in part 2 of this entry entitled: My baby is a baby!  So, check it out and be inspired!  You can find it on this INCREDIBLE blog: http://handsonaswegrow.com/

We did the fort as one of the challenges suggests a couple of weeks ago. We brought flashlights and toys in and Sabine still talks about it.

Part 2: My baby is a baby!

the "reading chair"

A few weeks ago, Sabine hurt herself and I went in to pick her up and saw our reflection in the mirrors on the door of the armoire.  Because I am usually hauling Leo around and because Sabine is usually busy I don't often really pick her up.  I mean, we snuggle and stuff, but that is on the bed or in the "reading chair" (our obnoxiously huge 80's lazy boy hogging up half the living room, but providing some of my most favorite mama memories).

I feel this whimpering, damp child in my arms but what I SEE is this long-legged, big kid clinging on to me and I wonder (as all parents do), "Where is my baby?".  It all does happen so quickly, I know you have heard it all before. And so too have I. But it is when you have the epiphany yourself do you wish you had understood when someone tells you to "enjoy it because it goes by so quick". You're like, yeah yeah. I got all chocked up and after putting a calmer Sabine down, I rushed into the bedroom to see little, tiny baby Leo still tiny and I cried tears of gratitude right then and there.



So precious each moment.

So precious this time.

So, yeah, I am not studying French. I am studying my small children.

I am not powerwalking with Leo in the jogging stroller, I am holding her in my arms as we swing with the lullabies in the background.

I am not talking with as many friends as I think of and love and miss immensely, as I am deepening my bond with my baby and toddler.

I am not keeping my house that clean. Instead we hired someone to help so that I can spend time with my treasures without feeling pressure to scrub the toilet.

I am not watching movies. I am reading books with the 2 most important people in my life.

Except for a bit of volunteering, I am not enriching myself with much outside of basking in baby.

This time is fleeting, I can never get it back.  I cannot pick it up later like sewing or start over like French.  It is now, these little ones growing into big ones who shriek, "I CAN DO IT!  And she can do it, I know.  And I get to be apart of it.  So precious this time, so fleeting.

So, if you haven't seen many blog entries lately, that is why.  No apologies, no regrets.  This blog will always be here.  My baby is a baby will not.  Happy Valentine's Day.