Curiosities and Questions

As I was trying to title this post, I reread it and discovered that most of the topics - though unrelated- do indeed revolve around Curiosities and Questions.
 
Well Alright! Baby Leo is nearing up to the BIG 0-9 month mark and crawling like a little glow worm, 6 teeth to call her own, eats a variety of foods and has just about the most delicious laugh you will ever hear from a baby. I think she is typical in that she likes to explore, but it seems that she is the most curious baby ever born! With her concentrated brow-furrow as she tries to do... well anything, she is just the coolest baby.

Sabine is a bike riding (with training wheels) dare devil with more bizarre and unexpected things rolling off her tongue on a daily basis. I should like to start a regular entry called, "Sabine actually said that". For example, like most kids she is interested in her private parts. But she is also intrigued by the idea that we ALL have them. I had to endure her listing every single person she knew and ensuring that they too had a "ZEE-ZEE". Does XX'x mama have a zee-zee? Does Monsieur XX have a zee-zee? Does so and so and so and so and so and so have a zee-zee??????  The cool thing is that in France, boys and girls both have them. So, there isn't the issue of difference yet.

A very sad thing happened tonight. Sabine got a little black baby doll for her 3rd birthday last January. Her name is Louise. She was the favorite doll for months. Tonight when I noticed Louise was not in her spot near Sabine's head for bedtime, I mentioned it. She said she didn't like Louise anymore. I asked her why. She responded that she is dirty. I looked closely at Louise and said I didn't see any. She repeated it and she even said, she wanted to return her to the Monsieur at the store! I asked her where she was dirty, she said "all over". I didn't want to make a big deal about it, because she likes to see my reaction when she tells me she ate meat at the creche (which she does not do). So, I just took Louise out and asked her if she wanted to sleep with me then. Louise said okay. I told Hicham about this painful conversation and he suggested that we give Louise a bath tomorrow and pretend that she was a bit dirty and then afterwards she will be nice and clean - ready for a snuggle.

UPDATE: Oh, how the adult mind functions. So, Sabine was all excited to give Louise a bath this morning. She took a gigantic bubble bath, washed her up, toweled her off and got her dressed and said, "there mama, all clean!". In my defense, I am cognizant of the studies done with little kids describing various dolls and attributing traits to them ... anyway.


This is a big year for our family, this September Sabine will be starting school, but not going everyday as I have decided she will stay home one day per week with Leo and I (for many reasons). Why should other people get to spend the bulk of the best time with my kid? I wish I could do this her entire childhood, but she might not agree. "But, mom! I want to go to school everyday!". The drawback is that this will be on her RECORD, says the directrice. Too bad I don't give two shits, she is only THREE.

Leo will start going 2 mornings a week to Creche... what will I do with myself? Oh... I sure can't wait to find out either! I was thinking it would be to take French classes, but honestly, I doubt it. I will probably surf the web and lay around drinking smoothies.

Which brings me to my latest daily drama. I am a green smoothie freak show. For real. Sadly, I have gone through many blenders and repair and replacement parts and new blenders in the last year that today I finally had ENOUGH when I found that my blender just stopped working again today. This was not a shitty generic blender either. Doesn't matter, these blenders are not made for the craziness that happens in my kitchen. They can't handle what I give them.

So, we are going in. Making it happen. No hold back. Making the investment in my health. Etc, etc. blah blah blah, VITAMIX! If you don't know about this amazing tool, google it now! Now we just have to figure out the best way to get one in my kitchen: buy abroad ($500) and have it shipped and pay the taxes/fees/shipping ($200), have a friend ship it unboxed (anyone?) or just suck it up and pay the European price ($1000). Damn! It is expensive here (except wine and well, except wine only). I will keep you posted. See, questions abound!

Shiny red boat, just yes!

Beyond that, went to The Netherlands about 2 weeks ago. Hardly took any photos while in Amsterdam, but there were a few things I did manage to be impressed enough by to take out the camera.



Here are some of my favorite pictures of Amsterdam bikes:

I just adore the tiny seat in the front compared to the child seat in the back, seems impossibly small!

Wooden box to tote tots.

I found that metal holder incredibly intriguing, it is probably obvious to most what it is for, but it is just this kind of thing that makes my imagination soar. Wine, flours, umbrella, newspaper? The possibilities are rather endless! 

Not often one sees a 2 colored eye cat, next to a boat... in Amsterdam. Rather curious I would say.

Yes, I love Amsterdam. And am eager to go back and explore much more. I took more pics of the other places we visited on this 5 days excursion (tulips galore!). For the next entry ...

My baby is a baby.

Okay, so the most recent entry was OCT. 29th... which was written more than a month after the one before that.  It highlighted my disappointment in myself for not keeping up with my French (study or practice or even listening to French radio) and my desire to be more "efficient" with my time.

Well, yeah, that was my intention as I was basically under-slept, over-stressed with lil miss colic (that has long since passed, to the point where I cannot even remember she ever cried in agony for long bouts) and not really in-sync with my toddler.  That is putting it nicely, a hem.

drying laundry

I guess I thought that if I had more control over time, you know with calendars, plans, agendas and more orderly drawers and crock pot dinners that I would feel less anxious and overwhelmed.  Well, there was some truth to it and also some getting my priorities straightened out.

I know that this entry is so incredibly cliche... but I haven't ever written about it and so it is original to me.

I did get some new tools and resources to help bring some order to my mental space. I got a new smartphone - which I actually do use to keep me more organized. I got the huge Galaxy Note 2.  I basically read too much greedy greedy about apple to continue to want to support them, even though I use an imac. But I am really satisfied with my phone and the huge screen (and the pen super useful in the kitchen to scroll a recipe w/o touching the screen).

What I use daily to keep my head from spinning is basically Astrid and Digical. How I use them to help me with parenting is when I find an activity I want to do with Sabine online (and omg, there are so many, many, many amazing blogs/sites/ideas - infinite really) I attach the link or page with Astrid's super handy webclipper online and make it a task with a deadline and post it to my calendar so each day I spend with Sabine we already have at least one thing planned. Kudos & thanks to all those moms who share their brilliance with the world. As a side note, the ones I don't use immediately but want to in the future are stored in Springpad (another great webclipper/bookmarking tool for us visual people).

making a fort.

I have also signed up for this really cool play challenge and recommend anyone who has kids to do it as well. I wish I could say we have done them all each day as is the intention of taking on the challenge. Hell, I haven't even opened up all the emails - but that will be addressed in part 2 of this entry entitled: My baby is a baby!  So, check it out and be inspired!  You can find it on this INCREDIBLE blog: http://handsonaswegrow.com/

We did the fort as one of the challenges suggests a couple of weeks ago. We brought flashlights and toys in and Sabine still talks about it.

Part 2: My baby is a baby!

the "reading chair"

A few weeks ago, Sabine hurt herself and I went in to pick her up and saw our reflection in the mirrors on the door of the armoire.  Because I am usually hauling Leo around and because Sabine is usually busy I don't often really pick her up.  I mean, we snuggle and stuff, but that is on the bed or in the "reading chair" (our obnoxiously huge 80's lazy boy hogging up half the living room, but providing some of my most favorite mama memories).

I feel this whimpering, damp child in my arms but what I SEE is this long-legged, big kid clinging on to me and I wonder (as all parents do), "Where is my baby?".  It all does happen so quickly, I know you have heard it all before. And so too have I. But it is when you have the epiphany yourself do you wish you had understood when someone tells you to "enjoy it because it goes by so quick". You're like, yeah yeah. I got all chocked up and after putting a calmer Sabine down, I rushed into the bedroom to see little, tiny baby Leo still tiny and I cried tears of gratitude right then and there.



So precious each moment.

So precious this time.

So, yeah, I am not studying French. I am studying my small children.

I am not powerwalking with Leo in the jogging stroller, I am holding her in my arms as we swing with the lullabies in the background.

I am not talking with as many friends as I think of and love and miss immensely, as I am deepening my bond with my baby and toddler.

I am not keeping my house that clean. Instead we hired someone to help so that I can spend time with my treasures without feeling pressure to scrub the toilet.

I am not watching movies. I am reading books with the 2 most important people in my life.

Except for a bit of volunteering, I am not enriching myself with much outside of basking in baby.

This time is fleeting, I can never get it back.  I cannot pick it up later like sewing or start over like French.  It is now, these little ones growing into big ones who shriek, "I CAN DO IT!  And she can do it, I know.  And I get to be apart of it.  So precious this time, so fleeting.

So, if you haven't seen many blog entries lately, that is why.  No apologies, no regrets.  This blog will always be here.  My baby is a baby will not.  Happy Valentine's Day.

Just like starting over!

I wrote the following entry a couple of weeks ago and have occasionally come back to it for editing and finishing.  Ah the life with a busy toddler and a tiny baby!  Well, it is true, my screen time has diminished vastly since I used to sit at the computer during naps.  Well, now when everyone is napping, I try to as well.  Well, at least the pictures are current!
 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leo!

Now that Leo is with us and we are getting to new this new little sprite and new ways of living.

6 weeks old already!

So, at the moment, I am motivated by the variety of (for lack of a better word) projects I am attempting to delve into.  Many of them are rediscovering and some of them are new and exciting.  And honestly, since it has been so long that I have been using or studying French, I would say that I am REdiscovering something NEW again.  I have really lost so much in the way of communication.  I have been told it will come back, but still I have taken one step forward and at least 10 steps back in the last few months.  I am disappointed in myself - all the hours trudging through cold and rain in Paris to get to classes, hours spent in classes, at home studying with software, reading French books in the car, listening to Coffee Break French on walks - etc etc.  The other day, I couldn't even remember how to ask someone what they did yesterday!  Pathetic.  I have been so focused on birth, babies, driving, toddler stuff (next entry on that!) and so on - that I just completely dropped French.  Completely.  So, gotta get back on that horse. (Cheval!)

Sabine wearing her baby like Mama.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyond French, my other obsession is getting organized, writing schedules, planning toddler activities, creating week-long menus, exercise,  and using my time more effectively.

___________________________________

I am happy to revisit the previous paragraphs (couple of weeks later) with a bit of optimism - as we are finding our rhythm a bit more.  I must cut this admittedly weird entry short, but damn it, I wanted to post it so I could cross it off my list!  (and quit thinking about it).

As I think things have settled a bit more, I should be able to blog more - something I really love doing.  I have much to share, particularly around toddlerdom and new ways of parenting a very expressive (a hem) 2.5 year old.  Book reviews coming soon!  

Leo's Birth Story

This will be the most anticipated blog entry (for me) ever written!  First because I LOVE blogging and missed doing it.  Since the last entry almost 2 MONTHS to the date, life has been a whirlwind of go, go, go!

What has been keeping me away for so long?  Well, first there was my on the road driving practice hours leading up to the big test (failed!).  Then there was the preparation for my cousin's 10 year old daughter coming ALL BY HERSELF! (awesome!) to visit us for 10 days.  Then she was here and even though I was more than 8 months pregnant, we sightsaw, meandered and roadtripped the entire time.  It was incredibly fun, but afterwards, I felt the full brunt of the exhaustion that had been building.  Around all of this were appointments with various midwives, laboratories, hospital visits and dentist.  AND, no day care for Sabine since it was August and most of the Paris population had left the city for their far flung vacays.  Finally, we were busy with our hypno-birthing sessions (more on that later), preparing for the birth, getting the apt ready to welcome our new daughter AND getting Sabine's big girl bed!  We thought it would be better to get her out of her crib before the new baby came so the changes were a bit more gradual. 

Okay so, whew!  It has been a busy last 2 months and since I haven't blogged, you know I haven't had much time to myself!  But well, things are now much more calm and settled especially with the birth of our new little girl!

Leonora Phoenix 

ended her birth journey on 

September 2, 2012 at 1:05pm

My ranting about the Medical Model of Birth (actual birth story below)

I am not gonna even try to lie, giving birth to Leo will be one of the highlights in my life.  Sadly, I cannot say the same for Sabine - but I know that wasn't entirely my fault and for this birth I was determined to make some improvements.  I will take some responsibility though as there were times when I should have spoken up before the birth, giving voice to my concerns.  And I most certainly should have ignored my midwife's suggestion to not read books.  He thought it better to have "my own experience" and besides he said he would be there to help on the big day.  Well, he was there ... physically ... sort-of :(

And I know "they" say, you cannot plan a birth nor can you predict how it will go on the day.  I call bullshit to that.  Nobody ever says that stuff for someone preparing for a marathon or a big test.  Imagine saying to an athlete, "I know that you run everyday, eat well, meditate, have  the right shoes etc - but hey, on the big day, forget your goals and aspirations and just see what happens!".

Well that is the nonsense that is told to women as they are about to give birth.  There are some who will have their birth plan and will do whatever it takes to defend that plan - even if it means becoming an inconvenience to a doctor who wants to go home and would just rather induce or c-section and get it over with.  There is a lot I could rant about at this moment - and particularly so here in France where there are even fewer options for women giving birth.  In fact, a good French friend of mine even recently asked me if they even allowed natural births in France!  While, it is true most most most french women go the epidural route, thereby inviting lots of other medical interventions to counteract the epidural consequences - natural births are certainly "allowed" - though not the norm.  I will add the necessary and politically correct thing which is to say, of course some women must utilize western medicine to birth their babies and I am very grateful that they exist when they are necessary.  Really I am!  I can think of

My concern is that we women have been manipulated to believe they cannot handle the pain or that birth is a medical procedure when it is usually not.  I mean, pooping doesn't require a doctor.  Having bad cramps isn't a call for intense numbing of your body.  These are both natural occurrences which we deal with on a regular basis.   And yet so often, we walk into the hospital and get swept away with the medical model of birth.  And THEN... when some medical issue arises the woman will say, thank god for the doctor because otherwise my baby would have died!  When in many cases, if it weren't for the doctor intervening in the first place, the birth would have occurred just fine.  Don't take my word for it, research the common consequences of each and every intervention that are typical during a Western woman's birth. 

For this birth, I did think about it and wanted to be informed and prepared.  Allow me to also give credit where credit is due.  Since my first birth (though natural) was a traumatizing fiasco at all levels, I wanted to be more prepared for this one.  To do so, I got informed on every level.  I read Ina May Gaskin books, watched an amazing natural birth video (and the Business of Being Born), read tons of natural birthing websites, and did Hypnobirthing as mentioned in other posts.  I basically brainwashed the screaming women in the hospitals out of my head and replaced these normalized fear mongering tales of woe to what birth can be: getting that baby out without terror, agony or drugs! 

Now you know I wanted to do a homebirth desperately, but try as I might I could not find an English speaking midwife who had availability in Sept.  This was due to 3 reasons. 1) There are few who fit this profile (like 5!). 2). Because they have to be available up to a month before the due date and since that is August when they are all on vacay... 3)The ones who were here were all booked up, apparently the holidays is a busy procreation time leading to Sept births ;)

Logistics:

And so, after a bunch of nonsense (understated for real), I finally found Anne-Severine Desmarais!  Phone: 06 60 86 40 02. I liked her immediately.  She is a new midwife to the Groupe Naissance, there are 2 groups who offer natural births and midwives to follow your entire pregnancy/birth.  The other group, CALM is amazing too but lacks English speakers.  Groupe Naissance is incredibly lucky to have Anne.  She is open-minded, warm and caring.  She is also an osteopath and does humanitarian volunteering in Africa.

She is not yet at the place where she is ready to do home births and so in order to have her as my midwife, I had to compromise on a few things.  Fortunately, none of them directly related to the big day except that we had to go to the clinique Jeanne D'Arc to welcome Leonora out. What I know is this, having Anne as my midwife was worth going to the clinic. 

Okay, so here is the birth story:

In the morning before going to the clinic

I woke up around 7 am because I felt some wetness "down-there" and while my waters had not broken, there was what is referred to as seepage. Even without the big splash, I felt pretty sure the baby was going to be born that day... even though it was 2 weeks before her French due date (and yes they are different).  Then the cramps started.  They were about 7-8 minutes apart.  Luckily, my bags were packed and we had 2 women Sabine knows and likes to take care of her ready.

The really cool thing was that Leo was kind enough to be born on a Sunday.  For both Sabine care and Paris traffic, this was incredibly thoughtful of her.  We had Sabine installed at Lexie's at around 8:30 and were at the clinic by 9:00 am.  Midwife Anne was already there and got straight to checking out my blood pressure and dilation.  I was at about a 3 out of 10 cm.  I was not very relaxed as we were talking, checking out my body and generally being very left brained.  I couldn't wait to start focusing on the birth.

We finally got ourselves set up in the room that we were to use for the birth.  One of the main reasons I wanted to deliver at home, but ultimately decided Jeanne D'Arc was an acceptable alternative was because they had a bathtub.  As a side note, for anyone considering this place, they will be (or already have) installing the large-enough-for-two round tubs for labor.  I think this will be the only public place in the city of Paris to offer this option.  You can rent them though for home births, email me for details.

Oddly, I didn't at any point wish to get into a bathtub.  This was something I obsessed over for months as D'Arc clinic didn't first have them when I met Anne because the previous clinic (where Groupe Naissance used to be and where Sabine was born) had closed due to bankruptcy- and GN moved to D'Arc, where the tubs were not installed for several months during my pregnancy.  Would they be installed in time for the birth???  But on the actual day, I had no desire to get wet.  This could have been my interest in making EVERYTHING about this birth different than the first, where I spent the entire labor languishing in the bathtub.  All that said, I never even went into the room where the bathtub was, but rather installed myself in a large bright space and got out my music, special stone, candles, water, health cookies and rice cakes.  I laid down on the ridiculous table bed.  How shitty are these contraptions? I cannot imagine how anyone thought it was clever to put a large stomached woman who already has an off sense of balance up high on a table the very width of her hips.  There was some thin padding so it could pretend to be comfortable, but it felt incredibly unstable and was of course, metal and cold.  I only used it at the beginning.

I laid there for about an hour doing my Hypnobirthing breaths and R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G that had been instilled in us with the most delightful woman you could ever invite into your pregnancy preparation.  I can be a bit of a jerk when it comes to be people, or should I say, I am pretty critical of experts as so often, they are not.  Or, if they are really experts, they forget also to relate humanely to people.  Elizabeth Echlin was the best of both worlds.  She knew her stuff but kept her heart in the process too.  Elizabeth helped us to move from a scared, negative space surrounding birth to one of tranquility and love.  Because the first birth did some damage to our relationship, Hicham and I worked on how this birth could bring us closer and how we would face this experience together.  We did deep meditations, discussed our visions, learned about the physiology of birth and how hypnobirthing techniques can help our bodies tap into and increase natural pain control.  And of course, there was just Elizabeth, who while is not a friend per say, but definitely brings that compassionate support to birth preparation.  She is also the one who introduced us to the "Orgasmic Birth" video - which was instrumental in re-envisioning birth as something we women were born to do.  I will admit that the title is a bit off-putting.  Not that I don't like orgasms and all, but it somehow cheapens the many and diverse messages and information it provides which really have nothing at all do with orgasms.  In fact, the first time I heard of "orgasmic birth" years ago, I thought in involved having an orgasm during labor.

Okay, anyway ....

So, as I was saying for about an hour from 9:30-10:30ish, I laid on the metal table and got in tune with my body.  I did hypno-birthing relaxation techniques and went deeper and deeper into a calm and relaxed state.  Allowing your body (arms, legs, neck, mouth, chin, hands, feet, everything) to stay loose and your mind NOT afraid - lets the muscles and the cervix have all the energy they need to get that baby moving.  Energy is not wasted (as my with my first) with tensing up the legs with each contraction (or wave or surge).  You just watch it come and go and stay cool.  I then began to worry that maybe I was TOO relaxed and I wanted this baby asap ... I didn't want to slow anything down by just "laying there!"

On the outside, it looked as though my contractions were mild and even short - and therefore, we wondered if little progress was being made because it seemed the contractions were short and mild, but in fact it was just that because I was handling the labor calmly and relaxed.  Even so, I decided to change up the music and put on something a bit more, well danceable.  And of course, then I had to get off that table and dance.  I put in some perfect labor room music: Zap Mama! 

"the knowledge of how to give birth without outside interventions lies deep within each woman. Successful childbirth depends on the acceptance of the process."

I danced for the entire cd.  It was hypnobirthing in motion.  Dancing definitely relaxes me and talk about soothing away stress with arms outstretched  and hips aswaying.  It was wonderful - when the contractions happened, I would swoop down to the floor, take in some air and let it out in deeeep long breaths.  At some point, Anne wanted to go and change into her scrubs for the birth.  She asked if I would like her to check the dilation, I said yes please!  I couldn't wait to hear the progress we had made.  She told me not to be disappointed if there wasn't much change.  Now it was about 11:45 am.  Imagine her surprise when I was at 8 cm.  She was visibly surprised - again because it appeared as though my contractions were mild, how could anything have been happening?  She hurried out to change.

Where was Hicham all this time?  He gave me water, smiled at me, reminded me to relax and was basically just a calm source of love.  When the contractions became more intense and I will admit more painful, I moved on over to the ball and moved my hips around in circles on the ball.  Not sure when it happened but some point Hicham sat behind me and cradled me in his arms.  How I wish there was a picture of this.  But I know how wonderful it felt and he kept whispering in my ear to breathe and relax.  This time it was harder as the surges were bombastic and it was really hard not to tense up in reaction to the contraction.  But he kept reminding me and I kept letting my arms relax.  

Then Anne encouraged me to make the deep ooooooo sounds.  I didn't want to do it, but my goodness,  I tried and wow, did it feel right!  For about 30 minutes, we all worked together, keeping the rhythm, the breath, the deep oooo sound and I opened and opened some more.  When I started doing the sound at a higher pitch, Anne would make the sound at a low tone and I would too, that would instantly bring me back to groundedness and fearlessness.  I felt Hicham's arms around me and the love of our shared life and it was really a beloved experience.  Then the urge to poop, er push, started.

This was the moment when my last birth went from bad to hell.  This time was different, completely different.  When I said I wanted to push, I was encouraged to do so and then so at about 12:30ish, I began pushing and it hurt so good.  The baby was about ready but because I was sitting on the ball, it would have been tricky for her to come out, so I moved over to the birthing stool.  It is like a stool with a hole cut out in the middle.  ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!  It was like sitting on a low toilet - working with gravity and low and stable.  Within minutes of sitting, I pushed our little Leo out. This time, the sounds were loud and not low.  It was as high-pitched as could be, but I couldn't stop it.

Me, Leo and Anne

Anne told me to reach down and hold our little girl.  I will say that for both births, I found it difficult to hold a tiny infant just after having gone through something that intense.  I wanted to just collect myself for a bit before handling such a fragile, delicate thing.  But that is the thing with being a parent, isn't it?  Time to collect oneself is very rare after having kids!  She was very tiny, a mere 6.5 pounds (or 2.9 kilos).  And I held her close to me and said hello about 100 times.  I couldn't think of what else to say.  She remained attached by her umbilical cord for a good long time and Anne left to go do something.  Hicham helped me up off the stool and we scooted over to the stupid wobbly table so I could be horizontal.

Happy Birthday Leonora!

Little Leo nursed immediately and was in perfect condition.  Just to be clear, I did not wear any monitoring nonsense (though Anne did check the baby's heartbeat intermittently) , I nibbled snacks and drank water as I wished, had fresh air blowing in the room, turned the lights off.  After Leo was born, Hicham cut the cord and she was not touched by anyone else or taken anywhere for at least an hour (probably more).  When she was taken to be weighed, it was with Hicham and she was swiftly back in my arms.  We then went to my room, which was comfortable and private.  All the staff there were welcoming, warm and hospitable.  Everyone around me was smiling and friendly.  I almost forgot where I was!  Even the food was pretty darn good. 

Well, so, Leo was born and it was great.  I felt wonderful afterwards too.

Great websites to check out when you are pregnant:


http://talkbirth.me/posts/articlestop-posts/
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595112/
http://www.birthingnaturally.net/cn/position/dance.html#