Looking forward to bye bye jobby-poo!

Haven't written in a while... figured that I would try not to think about the future - instead be here now, bask in the familiar.

Well well well - now I have acted outlandishly. Acted without thoughtfulness, without strategy, without a politician's mind...

Forcing the end, acting like an imprudent -childish-stubborn-boar.

So, even without trying to, I disregarded my present for the sake of the future... but not admitting it even to myself!

As if my efforts to create a departure project that would leave the organization better than I found it would suddenly become recognized as worthy and not merit the detailed inspection and a massive overhaul at the end as it typical with this group.

There would be some who would want my project to become theirs. There would be others that would be afraid of the project. There would be some that would say the money was better spent doing something else.... that they had not done anything about (but to say no to my project). Fools!

Why did I bother? Apparently I forgot myself in the enthusiasm that since I was leaving, that the inevitable change (an evolved, active, vibrant, effective group emerging) due to my departure had already happened IN MY MIND. So much for living in the present.

So it is- after 5 years of working at this place, I am delighted, ecstatic really to leave. Many have asked me how I could have stayed on for so long with such adversity... my answer was always the same, "It will get better, I can always see the glimmer of possibility just there... there in the distance". Not to mention the fact that I have always believed in the cause of social and economic justice!!!!!!

Apparently, I have been living in the future for some time now.

One day in Durham

I am writing this on MLK day. Having just marched with one of my first friends here in Durham. JB was, and continues to be, a person of great inspiration to me. He is ever Durham proud and bought a home here to invest his roots even more. It is a community that has nurtured him as he brings art, theater and expression to Durham on a regular basis. We marched together at an MLK march several years ago and today participated again. For me, I was especially glad that he called this morning about it to allow me 'one last march' in honour of the man and the struggle to grow this country into a more just place to live.

I remember when we first did it- we got to march behind Hillside High school's vivacious and energized band. High schools in Durham do more than just blow the horn and beat the drum: they choreograph. It was so wonderful to watch the band dance and play music for blocks and blocks as we marched behind them carrying a banner for Durham People's Alliance. It was a really great day!

So, today we got there a little late but still managed to be there in solidarity for the remembrance of Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. Since my morning was one spent with one of the most creative minds I know, I will quote the Doctor:

"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be... The nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists." Martin Luther King, Jr Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to ya! Happy Birthdaaaaaaay!

After that march, we watched a bit of a documentary called "Manufactured Landscapes" on www.stage6.com. It is view of how people are extremely shape shifting our Earth and even our humanity.

Finally, off to the much improved Durham Food CoOp with new PA brochures as we gear up to bring the Co-Opertive Alliance together in the world and not just in our heads.

My time for grieving my leaving has ended and now I am here and now it is now... A few more weeks on 'normalcy' and then the deconstruction will begin full force. Until then blogging about Durham - my home for the now. Let my life here resume - ENGAGE!

Sharing my thoughtful despair... a poem about change.

In taking the time to grieve the proper way-
I let the house become in a state of disarray

In taking the time alone
there was no sharing of my home

Eating cereal, soup and edamame
I didn't work, so there was no pay.

My visions of simplicity blown
in turning away from the known

As destiny forces me out and away
I wonder at what point I should pray?

The days are full and thin all at once
but there seems to be a natural sequence...

first is death and then rebirth and then death again
rebirth follows, more death, more rebirth: there is no end

Kali is present here and now
It is time that I remember to bow

She has cast an eye toward my way
and declaired, "Yes, my daughter you WILL die today"!

-Nicole Rowan

"Not pretending it is good - only sayin' its real.. and that my dears is real good"-NR

Hicham is home and what is home anyway? Way before the move...

Well so, here we are. Just had a nice dinner that I got to cook for two. Thats right Hicham is home for two weeks and so that means more classical music, more herbal tea and some gorgeous intimacy. Yup- I really missed that man.

And so we went to a party, threw a party (both my b-day and his coming home), spent almost a week in the mountains all blissed out with a cozy cabin surrounded my trees and with a fabulous hot tub attached. We watched some cool movies, played scrabble, made good food, went on hikes and generally just appreciated being together. Three months apart was mildly dull for me while he was away but now I hesitate to admit, but believe it to be true, that actually I the three months really lacked serious vivaciousness. Hicham is truly my soul mate and best friend.

So, now we are back from bliss and re-encountering our regular conversation topic. So - what now? (but really, we mean later). As I have lived in Durham for over 5 years, it has become for me a home like I did not even know a place could be. I mean, one might assume that because I was raised in Minnesota - that my home would be where it has been known to snow in April. Of course, we all know that I hate that shitty weather and don't think very positively about the people (plenty of exceptions). MN is not my home and frankly, in my heart, never really was.

This attitude allowed me perhaps to travel as extensively as I did. For three years, footloose and fancy free. My home was my backpack and I didn't want for a thing. The connections I made in all those countries were mutually beneficial and I felt a part of a community of travelers and adventurors. Each day had the possiblity of something different than the day before. It was invigorating - not exhausting to find housing each day (now it sounds like hell).

But here I am, now admitting that I have found a place that I feel a part of - not different from, not particularly excited about - but connected to. Even people I detest (and there are plenty because I am sort-of an asshole), I know that I would help them and they would help me. And anyway, anyone I detest is just presenting an opportunity for me to grow. But I mostly don't seem to want to grow, change, evolve etc. I mean I do, but not really obviously:

So- the constant conversation is: Where will we 'go'? Now, this is clearly not a question that I want to ask or even ponder but Hicham has international needs to fill and those include his family in France and even his extended family in Morocco to some degree. Also, he just wants to live somewhere else at this stage in his life. I don't blame him, when I was his age that was what I did! I got the hell out of here, went to Europe, Nepal, India, Taiwan, Australia, Thailand, Honduras, Guatemala, Mexico, China!

Hicham agrees it is nice here and he likes Durham and agrees it is easy to live, work, place and be here... that is part of the problem. He wants more of a challenge. I, on the otherhand, would happily walk the same trails with Olivia for the rest of her life. When did this happen to me? This 'soul settling'? This 'cultural contentment'? This 'Durham Dream-don't wake me'?

It is hard to know if on one's deathbed if one would rather say, "I sure did it enjoy it where I was for all those years- a simple life, a comfy life an easy life. Great, old friends, deep sense of place and exploration of NC" OR if it would be nicer to utter "Hot damn, what an adventure, living here and there- always seeing something different, expanding my boundaries and challenging my own expectations of reality - it was unpredictable and required me to adapt but it was worth it"...

Yeah so - Hicham will leave in a few days. Back to France to stuff his head full of concepts that I will never grasp and in three months he will be done and then he will do an internship somewhere. There is discussion of London and I will go with him. Then, where is my home? Do I even have the gumption to get up and go and let go of what I have worked to obtain? I mean, not to sound materialistic, BUT our home is a cozy and creative space and one that I dread dismantling only to 'start again' in another country.